Dangerous Liaisons

Every time I turn around it seems like I am hearing about another person in the middle of an affair.

In this morning's paper I read an article that quoted a psychologist saying that he is surprised that there are not more political figures having affairs.

Dr. Farley, former president of the American Psychological Association, said he thinks that many elected politicians are in a sense wired for such mischief through personalities built for risk taking and dealing with uncertainty. See article here.

So is there anything couples can do to help affair-proof their marriage?

The answer is YES!

Dave Carder recently spoke at the International Smart Marriages Conference in Orlando, Florida. He has written several books about infidelity including Torn Assunder and Close Calls.
During his presentation he talked about "Close Call Friendships." His talk was outstanding so I thought I would share some of the points he made.

Infatuation is an incredibly powerful drug. People don't think in their right mind when they are infatuated with something.

Any relationship with potential for quick chemistry is dangerous.

There is nothing wrong with platonic friendships with people of the opposite sex, but you need to have strong boundaries. When people come together around the same interests and passion it can be dangerous.

Beware of individuals from your past - old girlfriends/boyfriends. You never forget adolescent romance - which is why people often get into trouble when they go to high school and college reunions or get on Facebook and search for old flames.

Here are the danger signs for a close call friendship:

• You save topics of conversation for someone other than your spouse.
• You share spousal difficulties with this person. For example - "You're a woman, help me understand how my wife works."
• Your friend shares relationship difficulties with you.
• You anticipate seeing this person more than your spouse - this is a sign you are already sliding sideways. Keep in mind that you see your spouse at the 2 worst times of day - first thing in the morning when things tend to be chaotic and in the evening when you are trying to get dinner ready, homework done and you are tired from the day.
• You are more concerned about your friend than your spouse.
• You provide special treats for your friend.
• You fantasize about marriage with this friend.
• You spend more alone time with your friend than with your spouse.
• Your spouse does not have access to all of the conversations you are having with this person - email, texting, in person, etc.
• You spend money on this friend behind your spouse's back.
• Conflicts arise between you and your spouse over this friendship.
• You lie to your spouse in order to spend time with this friend - ie. You go into work an hour before you really need to be there in order to see your friend.
• You hide interactions with your friend from your spouse. For example, "Don't smile at me when you see me at church, my husband is watching."
• You accuse your spouse of jealousy when the friendship is brought up.
• You develop special rituals with your friend that are highly anticipated by both parties. When the rituals don't happen there is great disappointment.
• Your friend shares his/her feelings or touches you, which creates an inward response.
• You have conversations with your friend that include sexual content.
• You participate in corporate travel with your friend - also known as corporate dating - You participate in business travel where meals, alcohol, entertainment are involved and you are staying at the same hotel.

A bunch of us were sitting around at the conference talking about all of this craziness and here is the slogan we came up with:

Don't come a knockin' my marriage is a rockin'!!!!!!

Would love to know your thoughts......

Jon and Kate Part II

Wow! Lots of conversation about Jon and Kate.

There is no question there are a number of different aspects to this situation from unhappiness and infidelity to what is best for the children.

While I am not privy to all of the details of Jon and Kate's situation, having worked in the field of strengthening marriages and families for more than a decade, there isn't much I haven't heard.

So, here are some additional thoughts.

When a spouse is unhappy he/she often blames the marriage or the other person for causing their unhappiness, when in reality there are other things going on. For example, a national study of 10,000 couples asked them to rate their marriage from life in hell (1) to heaven on earth (7). The couples were interviewed twice, five years apart. The study found that most people rated their marriage as happy. Eighty-one percent of the couples who rated their marriage as life in hell were still together five years later. Out of that group, the majority said they were very happy after five years. During the tough times these couples said they were dealing with children, illness, bad things happening to good spouses, job loss, etc. (The Case for Waiting)

Based on my experience, I see many couples willing to throw in the towel on a perfectly good marriage that has just been derailed and needs help getting back on track.

Second, when infidelity is a factor in a marriage, most couples see that as the marriage is over, no questions asked.

According to research, 25 percent of women and 40 percent of men will have an extra-marital affair at some point in their marriage. (Affair-proofing Your Marriage) The good news is there are huge numbers of marriages that don't just survive affairs, they are significantly better than they were before the affair. The key to a marriage surviving an affair lies in its good marital history. If 20 percent of a couple's history is simultaneously viewed as positive by both spouses, they have a better than 90 percent chance of making it. (Can A Marriage Survive an Affair)

Third, there is no debate that divorce impacts children. Even in situations where divorce seems to be the lesser of two evils, children and adults pay a price.

According to Dr. Judith Wallerstein, author of The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, "Divorce is a life-transforming experience. After divorce, childhood is different, adolescence is different, adulthood - with the decision to marry or not and have children or not - is different. (The Legacy of Divorce)

Granted, there are some instances, ie. abuse, where divorce seems to be the best answer. But, the reality is only 30 percent of divorces are due to high conflict, abusive situations. Seventy percent of divorces are low-conflict marriages where people become disconnected and fall out of love.

We cannot turn a blind eye to the fact that all involved - dad, mom, children, friends, neighbors, grandparents, co-workers, etc. will be impacted for a life time when a divorce occurs. Therefore, I do not believe that this is a decision that should be made lightly or quickly.

Is Divorce Really Better for the Kids?

I know people are probably SICK of hearing about Jon and Kate, but I have to put in my two-cents worth. On the last episode they were saying that getting divorced would be better for the kids, that it isn't good for them to see their parents fighting and that everything will be just fine.

Please! This kind of thinking is flat out erroneous and there is TONS of research to back it up. Everything will not be just fine.

While high conflict marriages DO impact children, the reality is these children WILL NOT be better off if their parents divorce.

The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Judith Wallerstein has 25 years worth of research showing the impact of divorce on children all the way through adulthood. Children are not resilient. They may act tough, but in reality they are very tender.

I will never forget listening to a 10-year-old child ask, "Why did my dad have to quit right in the middle?"

The reality is this marriage can be saved and is worth saving not just for the sake of the children, but for the sake of Jon and Kate.

I wish they had people in their lives that would come along side them and strongly encourage them to seek out additional resources to help get their marriage back on track.

If you know someone whose marriage is derailed encourage them to seek out help from marriage friendly organizations. If you are looking for resources visit www.firstthings.org

Divorce Costs Too Much

I was reading yesterday about couples who were wanting to divorce, but basically can't because it costs too much due to the poor economy. ( http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27808110) This is very interesting because one of the issues we deal with is couples making a huge life changing decision like this and not taking into consideration what it will cost now and down the road.

Maybe one of the positive consequences of the poor economy is it will make people think twice about decisions that will affect their pocketbook. Honestly, I think most people who divorce have no clue what the costs will be for running two households, back and forth visitation, remarriage, college, insurance, old kids, new kids, etc. Now keep in mind I am referring to most divorces where there is low conflict and people say they have just fallen out of love. In these instances if there is something that will slow people down and really make them think about the LONG term impact of this one decision, I'm all for it.

Truth be told, if people would expend the amount of energy they are willing to spend on getting divorced on actually getting their marriage back on track, I think they would be amazed at how much better the marriage they are currently in could be.

What are your thoughts???