Conversations between parents and teens

Loved, loved, loved all the comments about talking to your teens about dating and healthy relationships.

October is Let's Talk month, a month set aside nationally to encourage parents to talk with their teens about issues such as sex and healthy dating relationships.

As a parent, if you have experienced the eye rolling, exasperated looks and statements like, "I already know all that!" you may be surprised to learn that the majority of teens DO want to talk with their parents about these issues. According to a new publication by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unwanted Pregnancy, teens say that parents most influence their decisions about relationships - more than friends, the media, other family members, or even their own boy or girlfriend.

If this is a conversation you are uncomfortable having with your teen, there is a great piece called Relationship Redux: Tips and Scripts for Talking to Your Kids about Relationships, published by the National Campaign that I think you will find very helpful.

Here are a few statistics you might find interesting:

One in five teens who have been in a serious relationship say they have been hit, slapped, or pushed by a partner; one in four girls say their boyfriend has tried to prevent them from spending time with friends or family; and one in four teen girls say they have been pressured to go further than they wanted.

One in five teens say they have electronically sent or posted online nude or semi-nude photos or videos of themselves.

Thirteen percent of same-age relationships among those aged 12-14 include sexual intercourse. If the partner is just two years older, that number doubles: 26 percent of the relationships include sex. If the partner is three or more years older, 33 percent of the relationships include sex.

Let's Talk

I'm just curious how many of you parents of teens have had a conversation with them about relationships and dating?

If you have had conversations like this, what do you think are the most important topics to cover?

Adventures in Motherhood

A couple of weeks ago I was taking our daughter to get her wisdom teeth out. As I got into her car I smelled cigarette smoke. I think it would be fair to say that I started questioning her fairly intensely about why her car smelled like smoke. She assured me she had no idea. To which I responded, "Well I can just tell you that a car doesn't smell this intensely of smoke unless someone has been smoking in it. I believe that you haven't been smoking. Have you had someone on your car with you?????"

I should back up and tell you that our daughter has had her license for about 3 months and before we allowed her to drive her car she had to sign a contract. The contract included things like no one would be allowed to ride with her at this point without permission and there would be no alcohol or cigarettes allowed in her car.

To make a long story shorter.....

She told her Dad that her car smelled like smoke and that I was upset. He mentioned that it might be the air conditioning filter. In spite of the fact that he used to detail cars and might have some knowledge about this area, I jumped in there saying there is no way that all of the sudden the car is going to start reeking of cigarette smoke.

Yesterday Dad and daughter went to the car parts store and the guys said it was probably her cabin air filter (aka the air conditioning filter) Hummmmm. When they changed it out, the old one REEEEEKED of cigarette smoke. The guy said the previous owner of the car was clearly a smoker and this was one of the worst air filters he had seen.

When they returned home my daughter was very quick to point out that I was WRONG and needed to apologize for not believing her in the first place.

She's right and I did.

While I felt bad about the situation, I don't think it was totally a bad scene. I want her to know that we are paying attention. There are too many times teens get in tough situations with their friends and get coerced into doing something they don't really want to do. I thought this may have been one of times.

I did ask her why she didn't tell us when her car started smelling like smoke. To which she replied, "I didn't want to get in trouble." I explained that letting me just find it on my own made the situation a whole lot more suspicious than if she had come to us and told us her car was smelling funny.

Lesson learned for all involved!

Teen Dating Violence

Just read a report commissioned by Break the Cycle: Empowering Youth to End Domestic Violence.
Did you know that:

• 1 in 3 teens will experience some form of abuse in a dating relationship;
• teens who suffer from abusive relationships exhibit increased rates of substance abuse, high risk sexual behaviors, eating disorders and suicidal tendencies;
• More likely than classmates to bring weapons to school; and
• 3 times more likely to be involved in a physical fight.

Each state was given a grade for how well prepared they are for dealing with this issue. Tennessee scored a C because it makes protective orders difficult for teens to obtain. If you are under the age of 18, you have to have a parent or a caseworker to file the order for you.

Interested is seeing how your state scored? Check out breakthecycle.org

Raising Teens

How well do you remember your teen years? What were they like? Did you ever lie to your parents? Did your parents trust you? What do you believe has had the most lasting impact on you when it comes to your parents ability to parent?

Last question......for those of you who have children, are you parenting the same way your parents raised you? Why or why not?

Impact of Television on Us

Gossip Girls, 90210, The Bad Girls Club, Desperate Housewives...What are you and your kids watching?

I just watched an episode of The Bad Girls Club and wanted to throw up. Hair pulling, pushing, shoving, kicking. It looked like a bunch of barbarians.

The sad thing is this is a very popular show with teens. These "bad girls" pride themselves on being this way. In the episode I watched all the girls ganged up on one girl because she danced with a guy while the rest of them sat on the sidelines and sulked. They actually beat her up so badly she had to go to the hospital.

In spite of the fact that a lot of the people say they watch the show for the entertainment value, I wonder if that is all that is happening?

What all of these shows have in common is crazy, messed up relationships. I would expect adults watching these shows to be able to differentiate between the craziness and real life, but for a lot of teens I'm pretty sure they aren't there yet.

I don't believe in sheltering kids from reality, but I do wonder about shows like this and their impact on the way kids decide to deal with problems at school and at home. It seems like every time I turn around I am reading about teens killing their parents, bully other teens and the like. While I would like to believe this is the exception to the rule, with access to so many shows like the ones listed you have to wonder.

Any thoughts on this????? How do you handle television viewing with your kids? How did your parents handle it with you? (If you can remember, tee hee)

Self Discipline

As you can tell from my recent posts, I have been thinking about prom and the costs associated with it.

Yesterday I attended a seminar entitled, Surviving Financial Meltdown: Confident Decisions in an Uncertain World. There were close to 600 people in attendance.

The speaker, Ron Blue, said alot of things that made tremendous sense to me when it comes to money. One of the things he talked about was a four-part financial plan that the average American family could benefit from:

• Spend less than you earn
• Think long term with goals and investing
• Maintain emergency cash
• Minimize the use of debt

There were many other great points made throughout the presentation, but here is what I walked away thinking about.

I see so many parents going deep into debt in order to make sure their kids have an over the top prom, a car or some other thing. When we as parents do this what are we teaching our children about money? My guess is our children are learning that you don't really have to have the money in hand before you spend it. Which is somewhat risky because that assumes that the money will be there in the future - and based on the experience of the last 12 months - I don't know that we can bank on that. No pun intended.

I don't want to be preachy. It does weigh heavy on my heart that alot of good kids are learning really bad money management principles.

What are your thoughts about this and what are you teaching your kids about managing money?

Preparing Your Teens for Prom

Do you remember your prom?

I remember going to the Oak Ridge High School prom at the Civic Center. My mom made my dress. I thought it was beautiful! My date picked me up. We went to prom and came home. It was a pretty fun evening. I don't remember the evening costing an arm and a leg.

How things have changed. In recent years, couples have spent somewhere between $800 and $1,500 on this annual rite of passage with expectations for a great night of fun.

From limos, manicures, and big hair to fancy dresses and tuxes that match not to mention dinner, prom night has come a long way.....or not. While I agree that prom is a rite of passage, I think things have gotten pretty outrageous. I mean $1,500 is A LOT of money.

I am betting that if teens really put their mind to it, they could get very creative with their spending for prom.

Blink and the 2009 prom season will be here. So now is the time to start thinking about how much you are willing to fork out for this event. If you are planning on your teen paying for half or all of the prom expenses some advance warning will be helpful since they typically don't think past tomorrow.

Looking for some creative ways to cut back on prom costs? Here are a few ideas:
Borrow a dress - who will ever know?
Cook dinner at your house for a group or take a picnic to the park.
Rent a less expensive tux or wear a nice suit.
Have a friend fix your hair.
Have a pre-pro party with your friends and do each other's nails and makeup.
Take pictures ahead of time instead of paying for them at the dance.

2009 Prom Season

I can't believe it, but prom season is right around the corner. In the past I have interviewed teens who plan to spend upwards of $500 just for their prom dress. In the past, proms have been a 2.7 billion dollar industry. With the current economic climate I am betting this will not be the case for the 2009 prom season.

Are you the parent of a teen who will be going to prom? I am curious to know what folks are doing or have done in the past to be creative and save money.