Tiger Woods and Marriage

I have been following with some interest the Tiger Woods saga. Interesting that there is probably just as much finger pointing at him as there is defending of him.

This whole thing has made me very thoughtful. The reality is all of us are very vulnerable to stumbling. If you think you have the world by the tail when it comes to your marriage or life in general - WATCH OUT! This world is filled with temptations. Just one choice in a weak moment could change your life forever.

This is why I think it is critically important for individuals and couples to surround themselves with people who will hold you accountable and help you make wise decisions. When you are an island unto yourself it is easy to convince yourself that "you'll just do it this one time" or that "nobody will ever find out." TRUTH always comes out sooner or later. And it usually doesn't just impact one person, there is often a very painful ripple affect that impacts many innocent people.

I heard an interview with attorney Laurie Puhn about this situation. I thought she said something worth repeating..."a man is as faithful as his character is strong." I think this is true for all of us.


I saw the beautiful picture of Tiger and his family. On the surface they look like they have it all. Underneath the surface I know these people are imperfect human beings who struggle just like the rest of us.

I am sad that Tiger did what he did. I am hopeful that with help the Woods can come out of this with a stronger marriage.

Do you know someone who is struggling in their marriage because of an affair? With help marriages can not only survive an affair, they can emerge stronger and better. There are intensives across this country offering help to wounded marriages. For more information about surviving an affair or the intensives click the highlighted words. You can also visit the Beyond Affairs Network website.

Dangerous Liaisons

Every time I turn around it seems like I am hearing about another person in the middle of an affair.

In this morning's paper I read an article that quoted a psychologist saying that he is surprised that there are not more political figures having affairs.

Dr. Farley, former president of the American Psychological Association, said he thinks that many elected politicians are in a sense wired for such mischief through personalities built for risk taking and dealing with uncertainty. See article here.

So is there anything couples can do to help affair-proof their marriage?

The answer is YES!

Dave Carder recently spoke at the International Smart Marriages Conference in Orlando, Florida. He has written several books about infidelity including Torn Assunder and Close Calls.
During his presentation he talked about "Close Call Friendships." His talk was outstanding so I thought I would share some of the points he made.

Infatuation is an incredibly powerful drug. People don't think in their right mind when they are infatuated with something.

Any relationship with potential for quick chemistry is dangerous.

There is nothing wrong with platonic friendships with people of the opposite sex, but you need to have strong boundaries. When people come together around the same interests and passion it can be dangerous.

Beware of individuals from your past - old girlfriends/boyfriends. You never forget adolescent romance - which is why people often get into trouble when they go to high school and college reunions or get on Facebook and search for old flames.

Here are the danger signs for a close call friendship:

• You save topics of conversation for someone other than your spouse.
• You share spousal difficulties with this person. For example - "You're a woman, help me understand how my wife works."
• Your friend shares relationship difficulties with you.
• You anticipate seeing this person more than your spouse - this is a sign you are already sliding sideways. Keep in mind that you see your spouse at the 2 worst times of day - first thing in the morning when things tend to be chaotic and in the evening when you are trying to get dinner ready, homework done and you are tired from the day.
• You are more concerned about your friend than your spouse.
• You provide special treats for your friend.
• You fantasize about marriage with this friend.
• You spend more alone time with your friend than with your spouse.
• Your spouse does not have access to all of the conversations you are having with this person - email, texting, in person, etc.
• You spend money on this friend behind your spouse's back.
• Conflicts arise between you and your spouse over this friendship.
• You lie to your spouse in order to spend time with this friend - ie. You go into work an hour before you really need to be there in order to see your friend.
• You hide interactions with your friend from your spouse. For example, "Don't smile at me when you see me at church, my husband is watching."
• You accuse your spouse of jealousy when the friendship is brought up.
• You develop special rituals with your friend that are highly anticipated by both parties. When the rituals don't happen there is great disappointment.
• Your friend shares his/her feelings or touches you, which creates an inward response.
• You have conversations with your friend that include sexual content.
• You participate in corporate travel with your friend - also known as corporate dating - You participate in business travel where meals, alcohol, entertainment are involved and you are staying at the same hotel.

A bunch of us were sitting around at the conference talking about all of this craziness and here is the slogan we came up with:

Don't come a knockin' my marriage is a rockin'!!!!!!

Would love to know your thoughts......

Jon and Kate Part II

Wow! Lots of conversation about Jon and Kate.

There is no question there are a number of different aspects to this situation from unhappiness and infidelity to what is best for the children.

While I am not privy to all of the details of Jon and Kate's situation, having worked in the field of strengthening marriages and families for more than a decade, there isn't much I haven't heard.

So, here are some additional thoughts.

When a spouse is unhappy he/she often blames the marriage or the other person for causing their unhappiness, when in reality there are other things going on. For example, a national study of 10,000 couples asked them to rate their marriage from life in hell (1) to heaven on earth (7). The couples were interviewed twice, five years apart. The study found that most people rated their marriage as happy. Eighty-one percent of the couples who rated their marriage as life in hell were still together five years later. Out of that group, the majority said they were very happy after five years. During the tough times these couples said they were dealing with children, illness, bad things happening to good spouses, job loss, etc. (The Case for Waiting)

Based on my experience, I see many couples willing to throw in the towel on a perfectly good marriage that has just been derailed and needs help getting back on track.

Second, when infidelity is a factor in a marriage, most couples see that as the marriage is over, no questions asked.

According to research, 25 percent of women and 40 percent of men will have an extra-marital affair at some point in their marriage. (Affair-proofing Your Marriage) The good news is there are huge numbers of marriages that don't just survive affairs, they are significantly better than they were before the affair. The key to a marriage surviving an affair lies in its good marital history. If 20 percent of a couple's history is simultaneously viewed as positive by both spouses, they have a better than 90 percent chance of making it. (Can A Marriage Survive an Affair)

Third, there is no debate that divorce impacts children. Even in situations where divorce seems to be the lesser of two evils, children and adults pay a price.

According to Dr. Judith Wallerstein, author of The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, "Divorce is a life-transforming experience. After divorce, childhood is different, adolescence is different, adulthood - with the decision to marry or not and have children or not - is different. (The Legacy of Divorce)

Granted, there are some instances, ie. abuse, where divorce seems to be the best answer. But, the reality is only 30 percent of divorces are due to high conflict, abusive situations. Seventy percent of divorces are low-conflict marriages where people become disconnected and fall out of love.

We cannot turn a blind eye to the fact that all involved - dad, mom, children, friends, neighbors, grandparents, co-workers, etc. will be impacted for a life time when a divorce occurs. Therefore, I do not believe that this is a decision that should be made lightly or quickly.

Definition of an Affair

WOW! Thanks for all the responses!!!!!

In my last post I asked the question, "What constitutes an affair?" I received a number of responses. I think this one encompasses the gist of most of them:

"If you spend time, energy, emotions, romance, and yes, even virtual sex with anyone or anything other than your spouse, it is defined as "an affair". After all, if you are spending those things on someone else, virtual or real, you are robbing from your spouse!"

Enough said!

Two good reads on this topic are, Torn Assunder by Dave Carder and Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

What Constitutes an Affair?

I have a question for you. If you are in a committed dating or marriage relationship, what constitutes cheating?

I just read an article about folks who are jumping into the virtual world of Second Life and basically living a "second life" on line. They have an on-line identity (an avatar) that they can manipulate to look however they want. They can marry someone, have children, have any kind of job they want, etc.

Many of the folks on-line are married in real life, but having "pretend" sex online with an avatar.

So, is this cheating??????